5 Things in Christmas movies which make no god damned sense.
By Kyle Sutherland, Egwyl Editor.
Ok, after being beaten over the head with it for several months now I’m finally ready to accept the fact, Christmas is nearly upon us.
With that being said it’s time to talk about Christmas movies, they’re part of our annual traditions and for the most part they’re awesome.
But just like any good thing, there’s always a sad, lonely, internet writer to point out the flaws, so here we are, these are 5 things in Christmas movies that make no god damned sense.
1- You live on a mountain and never come down, where the hell did that dog come from?
How the Grinch stole Christmas is a childrens classic written by King of all childrens writers Dr Seuss and published in 1957.
It’s been adapted into an animated musical classic, stage shows and of course the 2000 Jim Carrey vehicle movie adaptation.
And that’s what we’re going to be talking about here, because books are for nerds and I prefer my entertainment simply piped into my face whilst I lie back doing nothing.
In the story, the Grinch is a furry green curmudgeon who hates Christmas and the festive loving town of Whoville, choosing to live as a hermit at the top of Mount Crumpit with no company but his dog Max.
Ok there! Right there! See the problem?!
Where the hell did that dog come from? The Grinch makes it clear how much he hates the Whos and the only time he ever comes down from his mountain is to f**k with them and occasionally trap children in poorly wrapped parcels.
So where the hell did Max come from? I refuse to believe that this dog was just wondering alone on a mountain and the Grinch decided to take him in, that leaves only one option, the Grinch stole some kids dog and raised it as his own.
Wow I know this is the guy who literally stole Christmas, and yeah he does turn good in the end but still, dog theft is just one step too far, even for an alleged nut job like Jim Carrey.
2- Who the hell is funding your operation Santa?
Arthur Christmas is one of my favourite holiday movies, and I’m going to try and ruin it right now because this is why I can’t have nice things.
In this flick, not only is Santa real, but he also flies around in a totally bitching spaceship, having cast off the crappy old sleigh years before in favour of being badass.
And it’s never once mentioned how in the hell he came to possess it.
Seriously, this is a huge aircraft, capable of flying around the world (or at least the parts of it that celebrate Xmas) in a single night, carrying literraly hundreds of elves and tonnes of presents and has a full on cloaking device.
How does Santa have it?
And if you say magic I’m punching you.
It’s made pretty clear that the present Santa doesn’t use magic, he uses tech, but it’s impossible that he and his minions ever built this.
Even if they had the knowledge and expertise to design and build this thing where did they get the materials? Pretty sure if there were massive amounts of raw materials and fuel sources at the North Pole we’d all be at war with the Polar Bears over them right now.
3- Was Scrooge being a dick giving Tiny Tim TB?
OK Dickens you brilliant, beardy, bastard you’re going down.
A Christmas Carol is the tale of an old man, named Scrooge who’s a dick and because of that hates Christmas, then 3 ghosts show up and teach him to not be a dick and everyone’s happy at the end.
Especially Tiny Tim “Who did not die” (nice wrapping up of the threads there Charlie) who it would appear was so affected by the dickishness of a man he’d never met that it actually gave him tuberculosis.
Tiny Tim, is the son of Scrooges’ employee Bob Cratchitt and one of the most sickly sweet characters ever, he’s small (obviously) , walks with a crutch and suffers from a wheezing, coughing illness which will kill him if Scrooge doesn’t shape up.
Due to the times the story is set in I’m gonna say this kid has TB, also known as consumption which was a widespread illness in Victorian England.
The ghost of Christmas present warns Scrooge that if things don’t change “that kid gonna die” (may not be actual quote).
But as we’ve said above Scrooge changes his ways and Tim is saved.
Except that’s not how illness works, especially if this is TB which before the development of antibiotics and vaccines killed most of those who suffered from it. It doesn’t just go away because Scrooge starts being nice, Tiny Tim is most likely dead either way…way to go Scrooge you boner.
Also Tiny Tim’s been coughing all over his family which is the leading way TB spreads so they’re all dead most likely too.
4- OK you’re going away for Christmas, why does anyone care!
Christmas with the Kranks, released in 2004 is a stupid film made by stupid pe..wait what the hell Jamie lee Curtis was in this?!
Ok so the plot is that Curtis and her Husband played by Tim Allen (stop spoiling Christmas Tim) have just sent their daughter off to college and decide that they’d rather go on holiday for Christmas.
Sounds pretty normal, quite standard.
That is until their neighbours all lose their collective s**t!
Seriously it’s like these people indeed do live in Whoville, the neighbours react to the news that the Kranks would rather spend the holidays on a cruise than sitting alone missing their only child in a manner which I could only imagine would be the reaction to hearing your neighbours are going big game hunting with the KKK and Harvey Weinstein.
Why the hell do the neighbours care? Has this never happened before? What sort of culturally gentrified neighbourhood is this that only Christians seem to live here?
Not that Mr Krank helps matters by writing a Jerrry Maguire style manifesto on why he’s rejecting Christmas, dude you’re going on holiday for the winter, nobody should care, don’t be a douche about it.
5- OK once is bad enough but who loses their kid cross country/ cross oceans twice?!
Just what exactly is wrong with Kevin Mccallisters parents?
Seriously I want to know?
Not only do they leave him, a child, by himself when they jet off to Paris in Home Alone but in Home Alone 2 they leave him, a child, by himself in New York City.
Twice, they left their kid, alone, across continents twice. Hell my parents once left me behind at a pub by mistake but they never had to get on a plane to do it.
But what’s the worst that could happen really?
Well only that Kevin could be put under siege by two notorious criminals, believe his parents have vanished and it’s his fault, be harassed by Tim Curry, once again be pursued by notorious criminals and risk a pussy grabbing from Donald Trump!
Now admittedly the first time this happens it’s more understandable (the first time the child is left behind, it is never understandable to grab someone by the pussy) they’ve got lots of people to get together and they oversleep because of exposition and oh wait no it’s never acceptable to get on a freaking plane without realising you’ve left your Culkin at home.
And what’s going on with that creepy old man in the first film who turned out to just be misunderstood? What he finds Kevin alone about to be Joe Pesci’d, saves him and then what, doesn’t tell the cops he’s saved a child who is super duper neglected right now from all of this.
The adults in this film are bulls**t!