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5 MORE questions I need answered about Harry Potter

By Kyle Sutherland, Egwyl Editor

Wow, it’s been a long time since we’ve been here right?

I mean the Egwyl team as a whole is in such deep nostalgic love with the Harry Potter series and as a result gave the last article I wrote criticizing said series the death glares which can only be achieved by young women  that it’s been nearly two years since I wrote about it.

But what can I say? I can only hold my inner cynic in for so long, so here we have 5 unanswered questions in Harry Potter: The inevitable sequel.

  • Wizard Prison is simply a cruel torture

Now, anyone who’s familiar with the series (and if you’re not then what are you doing here? Are you lost?) will be familiar with the wizarding prison Azkaban, where all the magical no goodnicks are locked away to pay their debt to society.

Wait, did I say pay their debt to society? Oh no what I really meant to say was suffer indefinitely in a squalid hell hole even Oliver Twist would turn his nose up at whilst being psychologically tortured by inhuman ring wraith/ ghost of Christmas past style buggers.

Seriously, even the harshest prisons of the Renaissance didn’t even come close to the horrors of this place and those are gaffs where having shoulders ripped out of sockets was like a daily thing.

The wizarding world doesn’t really seem to care about rehabilitation much, instead you’re locked in a cold dark cell, in the middle of the North Atlantic, in total isolation apart from the jailers who by their very definition make you want to die and also want to eat your soul.

Sirius Black even mentions that most of the prisoners end up going insane, ok that right there is messed up!

How did this ever become a thing? Why did it continue to be a thing for so long? Did the dementors just have an unstoppable rail workers style union? I have to know.

  • Wizards don’t have big screens

Ok, so in Goblet of Fire the second challenge is diving into the lake to save a cherished loved one from apparent imprisonment by mer-people, whoops sorry SPOILERS.

Harry dives in being able to breathe due to the help of Neville Ugly, Ugly, Weird, and now he’s Gorgeous Longbottom.

But I don’t have a problem with that, with any of it really except for the fact of the mer-people looking more like mutated otters than the lords of the sea.

What I do have an issue with is the fact that there’s like an entire crowd of people spectating… what, the top of the lake?

I mean if this was any other, you know decent sporting event there’d be big screens, huge monuments to modern excess showcasing everything happening sub-surface.

But wizards don’t play like that, which means the crowd went from watching dudes fighting dragons one day to hours of watching the placid surface of a lake the next, woo hoo.

 3-Voldermort doesn’t believe in the double tap

You all know the double tap, it’s what you wish the hero would do in any horror movie when they’ve just seemingly killed the monster or villain and move to check on them “shoot him in the head! Make sure he’s dead!”

This is precisely what Voldemort doesn’t do when he thinks he’s killed Harry in the Forbidden Forest (I know, spoilers, I’m a bastard).

Sure he has one of his stooges do it but the person he chooses is one he already doesn’t fully trust, why is he so quick to believe Potter’s dead.

“But Kyle, Harry was struck by Avada Kedavra the killing curse that no one ever survives”

Except Harry bloody Potter! It’s his whole deal!

I can only assume at moments like this that Voldemort didn’t actually want to win, he must have been like Trump with the US election or Boris with Brexit, talking a big game but no idea what the hell to do afterwards.

       4- Polyjuice prostitution

Yes yes I know, I’m disgusting, I need to take a long hard look at myself and figure out the kind of person I want to be, but for now lets talk about polyjuice.

So it’s a potion which allows you to look exactly like anyone else for a few hours with no lasting side effects, and although supposedly being very hard to make it was crafted by a trio of eleven year olds in a disused toilets.

Yeah that stuffs totally being used for sex.

As grotty as it is it’s naïve to think no one in the wizarding world has figured out you could use the potion to sell people the fantasy night of their lives so long as they can get a few hairs.

There must be a bumper black market in celebrity hair clippings in the Harry Potter universe that’s all I’m saying; probably some shifty guy hanging around Knockturn Alley offering nights with that years Oscar cast for 5 Galleons, sick perv.

5- School! F**k up once and you’re screwed for life

Now this has bothered me for years and it’s gotten worse due to recent events which we shall come to shortly but seriously what exactly does happen when you’re expelled from Hogwarts?

In Philosophers Stone we’re told that when Hagrid was expelled for the admittedly pretty serious offence of bringing murder spiders into the dorms, his wand was broken, he was kicked out of the school and isn’t supposed to do magic.

Wow that is messed up!

Think about it, what happens in the real world when you’re kicked out of a school?

Well it just so happens I actually was kicked out of a school, and you know what happened? I went to another school!

It’s not even like Hagrid was being taught how to do anything special (relatively speaking in his world) he was being taught to do something which is the foundation of everyone in the wizarding worlds entire lives.

And what he makes a mistake as a teenager and that’s it? That’s not fair everyone makes mistakes, my parents made one and all they had to do was take me home and raise me.

But Hagrid’s told “nope you F’d up so now you don’t get to do magic” something which by the way had nothing to do with what he did wrong.

It’s like if you bring a dog to school that mauls someone so now they wont let you learn to read.

Not to mention the fact that Newt Harry Redmayne Wizard got expelled and he’s still allowed to tool around New York using magic and causing mayhem. Meanwhile Hagrids gotta spend his time living in a friggin hut and worrying about flesh eating slugs.

Why does this happen, I need to know!

 

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