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Rogue One: In space no one can hear you complain

By Kyle Sutherland, Egwyl Editor.

I know this is a somewhat belated review, but following the angry, mob violence, villagers chasing down Frankenstein’s monster with pitchforks response to my Force Awakens piece I figured I’d better try just a bit harder to like Rogue One: a Star Wars story. I couldn’t, and I’m sorry, I have failed my fandom, my country and the fine writing and editorial staff at egwyl.com, but my God I tried and my God it was hard, but this is simply a film which did not need to be made and was made badly.

Never once, not even once in the thousands of my own personal viewings of Star Wars (anyone wanting to dispute those figures remember I’m a 25 year old man writing about Star Wars rather than getting out there and having any real or meaningful life #facepalmsadsadlifestilldownwiththekidsthoughgetmeknowingaboutthetwitterimstillcoolright)

wow that was long, what was I writing about…oh yeah, never in all those viewings have I sat there and thought “yeah that’s all well and good but just how did they get the death star plans? I seriously doubt the credibility of this western/samurai flick/sci-fi space opera”.

The film simply adds nothing more of note or importance to the franchise aside from an extra 133 minute obligation on May 4th (aww crap I’m going to have to buy this turd on dvd, what else do I do, have a non-complete Star Wars day? Screw that!)

The problem is there’s no suspense, I mean we all know in these movies that the good guys will win out in the end (despite the curveball thrown by Empire, well played Lucas) but here there’s not even a feeling the good guys won’t get the plans successfully, we’ve known that for more than thirty years. Result? Every time they try to make you believe that something will allow evil to triumph I’m sat there all “yeah but you don’t mate, no evil you really don’t, trust me I’ve seen this one read the bloody hashtag pal” so there’s no investment emotionally on my part, I honestly don’t care.

Ok so the plot sucks but what about the characters?

There are none, we’re all out f**k you go home.

All we have here are a collection of cookie cutter cinematic clichés trudging through a boring, pointless plot like technologically evolved cows (cool movie idea robo-cow “in a world where crime is udderly out of control” ha…copyright pending).

Not that the actors are at fault here, they’re doing their best and doing a good job with what they have but there’s no real character development and without that I simply don’t give a s**t and if there’s not even a single s**t to be given about the characters then what’s the point? I don’t care if they die they’re just blank, meaningless things ostensibly produced to entertain me, I feel the same about their deaths as I do when one of my sims drowns or burns to death due to their own idiocy.

So, any positives?

Well yes, just like that other bafflingly popular piece of cinematic dross The Force Awakens this is a stunning film to look at, the battle scenes are a real treat for the eye, although I must say no matter how good your CGI is there is no way that you will ever make me think that that is Peter Cushing, I don’t know who you are Not Peter Cushing but you’re not him, someone tell Cushing there’s some identity thief tooling around in his clothes, what? He’s dead? S**t.

In whole this is a pointless and boring film which was only made to bridge the gap between Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, hopefully that will reinvigorate this franchise and finally bring balance to the force.

Bet it sucks though.

Hope you enjoyed this review let us know what you think in the comments, come at me fanboys!

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